The Peacock Writers. Three months ago I almost didn't put a story in our book about bullying, the reason is I suffered from bullying up until a year ago on line. At this time of year, we usually prepare for our winter edition, and this time I am going to have to sit on the benches, I don't think I can write a cheery Christmas story this year. To be honest, I haven't written much over the last month, and as much as I would like to write; I find I lack the motivation.
A Faustian dilemma. Last night's dilemma did little to ease my concerns. I was very close to selling out on what I believed, for the sale of $6. My friend Julia, talked me out of the idea - eventually. She is far more educated than I am, and her logic was right, I would probably have regretted the decision. I am my own worst justice system, it took me months to stop blaming myself for not being with my close friend Faye, when she died; even though there was nothing I could have done.
I would have punished myself harder than anyone possible could imagine, and yet, I seriously considered the option. At the back of my mind was the notion, I could make more writing onefake review than I do with months of honest work, what could I lose? If I did lose, would the price be worth it?
The fact I came close to selling out on everything I believed in appalled me, and yet, I was willing to do it. I considered writing erotica which would cross lines, I had previously considered out of bounds. I have never wanted to be known as an erotica writer, but last night I was willing to go to that length to sell a few books. The only thing which stopped me, is not that I didn't want to, or that I thought couldn't write erotica; I don't think I could do it every book & month.
Thoughts. One concept Julia and I discussed was the idea that I think I am worth more than the tiny $6 fee I would get, and that I still hoped somewhere, some time, I may hit a lucky streak, and start to sell. In some ways, Julia is right, I do still hold that belief, but the longer I wait, the less I believe it will happen.
What will happen if someone offers me $10? I haven't reached that in sales in a month, and I doubt I will. Could I live with myself, if I sold out for $10? The question is not how much do I think I'm worth, so much as do I think I'll get the break? At the moment, the answer is No, I don't think I will. I have lost the energy to motivate my writing.
Dreamless Roads. My friend Jan Hawke asked me to include three of myChronicles of Mark Johnson stories in her new anthology. I was over the moon; after two years, somebody cared enough about the stories to publish some of them. I had given up on them months before. Sadly, when I saw what alterations were needed; I realised the dream would never happen, and I had to let Jan & Mark down.
A Sailor's Love. The erotic ghost romance, which grew from a blog of about 1,500 words on a friend's blog into a full blown novella, and almost into novel length. had dreams of being able to do for Jannine, Angie, Helmut and their friends, what I couldn't do for Mark, Rachel,and their friends. Again found myself wanting. If I did edit & re-write this story, I have no doubt it would exceed 40,000 words; when I stopped the story it had already passed 35,000 words, and I could have gone on a lot further.
The Last Journey. My Sci-Fi series Forgestriker was due to be extended by two stories, and issued as a complete final journey for the research vessel and the former men of the 7th Baalite Guard. My plan included a jail break, and a run to D2-- The Dead Station -- to link with Caldera, and then go and locate Gothron. I was going to have a dark, and threatening encounter with a ship of souls destroyed in battle, but I gave the idea up.